Absolutely nothing.

I mean, come on, it was gone for a year, and no one but the Canadians noticed.

So, by the request of my favorite associate sports editor, Matt, I am going to continue the hockey bashing from last week just because I can. To give my hockey-hating column some accreditation I decided to look up the word in the dictionary to give it a second chance and to see if maybe it would shed a glimmer of hope.

Nope…It didn’t…Not even close.

Ahem…{clearing my throat} Ice hockey: a game played on an ice rink by two teams of six players on skates whose object is to drive a puck into the opponent’s goal with a hockey stick. Whaaaaat?!?

Sorry, Mr. Webster, but not even you can help me better understand why this sport is a cult phenomenon up north.

Oh wait! You guys aren’t going to believe this one. For some reason I just got the educational urge to learn where the word ‘puck’ originated and it was originally a Middle English word puke that translates into an evil spirit, demon or hobgoblin.

Yeah, that really had nothing to do with anything, and I probably just made you dumber for reading it. I apologize.  Anyway, I read somewhere that hockey is the most popular sport played on ice. Huh?

How many sports are played on ice? There’s figures skating — kind of, curling —a  whole other odd idea of a sport from our Canadian friends — and that’s about all I can think of right now.

Hold on…I can’t leave you guessing what curling is, sooo…

“Curling: condensed explanation—”  Curling is played between two teams of four curlers. A competitive game usually consists of ten ends, while recreational games are more commonly only eight or even six ends.

In each end, each player on each team casts two rocks in turn, the players on each side alternating shots.

When throwing the rock, it must be released before the near hogline is reached (players usually slide while releasing their shots) and must cross the far hogline; otherwise it is removed from play.

On each shot, two players are equipped with brushes or brooms with which they can vigorously sweep the ice in front of the rock so as to alter its trajectory or increase the distance of travel.

A player in the house, either the skip (captain) or vice-skip, will often coach the sweepers as to when they should sweep…thank you wikipedia.com! Back to the statement at hand—So, how much does it actually mean if hockey is the most popular sport played on ice? Hmmm…

Also, how many sports do you know where they allow two team members to fight for a certain amount of time before breaking them up.  I suppose that would be the coolest part just because they aren’t actually playing hockey, they are just beating the tar out of each other. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of Gordon Bombay and the Mighty Ducks.

But there is a difference between watching a 90 minute Disney movie and watching 90 minutes of hockey…I would probably become a vegetable. Wait! I have just thought of the most awesome thing about hockey! The Zamboni!

Yes! The Zamboni. It was invented by Frank J. Zamboni in 1949 and there is a Zamboni factory in Paramount, Calif. Did you know a guy actually got issued a DUI while driving a Zamboni? True story.

Well, it seems I have covered all that I can in the space I have been given and I apologize, again, that the most beneficial thing you are taking away from this column is now knowing what the sport of Curling is.

 

Erin Bass is a junior journalism major from Bossier City who serves as sports editor for The Tech Talk. E-mail questions and comments to emb023@latech.edu.